I was a typical Malaysian Chinese raised up in the tradition of Taoist and Buddhist culture. I have always thought that older people blindly follow tradition without questioning. Practice such as burning paper offerings in the form of clothes, shoes, cars, mobile phones and iPad (lately) never appeal to me. I always thought them to be superstitious and doesn't make sense. I mean if you burn an iPad for the dead, don't you also have to burn the charger for them?
I have never consider myself to be religious simply because I couldn't comprehend its relevancy at the time. It was not until I suffered from a life threatening illness that I begin to comprehend the importance of having faith in our life. I still don't believe in superstition. Instead I've found a religion that finally makes sense to me - it is Buddhism.
I was a completely healthy man that exercised regularly. I worked out in gym for the most part of my 30s and I still carried dumbbell on a regularly up until last year. I didn't have any major sickness except for the common cold that is quite usual in the tropics. Then suddenly on the year that I turned 40, I suffered from panic attack out of the blue. Doctor in Raffles Hospital has diagnosed me as having cumulative stress in life and gave me medication which were more like tranquilizer to calm me down because I would get stressed out for no obvious reason. Then my relatives would bring me to see a Taoist medium who diagnosed me in his own way as having being cursed by someone who apparently wanted me to suffer.
Both the modern and traditional diagnosis gave me their own kind of remedy - doctor would give me medication while the Taoist master gave 'holy water' which has been chanted upon. I must admit that both did help me initially but just for a short while.
Every now and then I would get agitated and my mind started 'roaming' freely. And when there were too much thinking I might get panic attack which would then required me to take medication given by the doctor. I said to myself that this couldn't go on like this forever, I need help. I asked the local GP to refer me to a psychiatrist.
I know that I wasn't crazy but I had no choice at that time as I still need to go to work everyday and my condition was affecting my performance at the office. So went to see the psychiatrist but the receptionist treated me as if I am a crazy person. The psychiatrist gave me anti-depressant which not only didn't help but worsen my condition.
It was then that my previous employer in Malaysia sent me messages through Whatsapp and told me that there is this monk called Ajahn Brahm whose retreat is in Perth. I have migrated to Perth at that time and started to look up for this person. Many of his talks have been uploaded onto Youtube, I downloaded a few and started listening to them. My mood was calming down as I listen to the talk and I could sense that it has the healing effect on me. I researched further and found out that he is giving talks every Friday evening at a monastery north of Perth. I went there one Friday without hesitation.
It was already 7.30pm when I got to the place and there were just so many people packed inside the main hall. I found a spot to sit on and observed my surroundings. There is a big golden statue of Buddha sitting in front of me. Although there were many people in the hall, the atmosphere was quiet and peaceful. Then came in Ajahn Brahm and he conducted a 30 minutes guided meditation. This was the very first time I ever attended a guided meditation session. I followed his verbal instructions with my eyes closed. It was difficult to settle my mind initially but I was able to do that quite smoothly after about 10 minutes. I felt peace, compassion and Buddha's love for the first time in my life. I felt like crying not because of sadness but to shed tears of joy. The feeling that the world is indeed a wonderful place and our own problems are so trivial compare to the compassion of the Buddha.
Buddhism taught me that we are in charge of our life. Most of our sufferings come from our mind. And if we could keep the mind still through meditation, then we could live a relatively happy life.
I haven't recovered 100% from my anxiety disorder but I am progressing well. Now, if I ever get upset on something I would just meditate for 30 minutes and it is the best medication one can ever have. I am happy that I found Buddhism before it was too late for me. In fact I'm so grateful that I started this blog today to record my experiences with the religion. I hope that others could find it useful to help them with their lives.
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